The War on Christmas (and Children!)

If you're not aware, Christmas is coming. Next week, in fact. This wonderful time of year is significant to many people in many different ways. For example, being close to Christmas means it's a really really bad time for your younger brother to overload the washing machine, causing it to short out, which leads to the whole house shorting out and not being able to be fixed from the fuse box, which also leads to a complete power outage that means that gas is flowing into the furnace without the furnace being on, which leads to people smelling gas, which leads to a half an hour of freezing to death waiting for the power and gas company repairmen to get there to fix the damn thing while all you wanted to do was make lemon poppyseed muffins. Not that that's what I did last night.

But this holiday season is also a time when we get reminded of the most important battlefront in today's biggest cultural conflict: The War on Christmas.

It's a big deal. Just ask our friend Bill O'Reilly:

O'REILLY: See, I think it's all part of the secular progressive agenda --

GIBSON: Absolutely.

O'REILLY: -- to get Christianity and spirituality and Judaism out of the public square. Because if you look at what happened in Western Europe and Canada, if you can get religion out, then you can pass secular progressive programs like legalization of narcotics, euthanasia, abortion at will, gay marriage, because the objection to those things is religious- based, usually.

So yeah. Bill is talking here with John Gibson, author of a book called The War on Christmas: How the Liberal Plot to Ban the Sacred Christian Holiday Is Worse Than You Thought.

Essentially, then, this War on Christmas is being blamed entirely on the "Secular Progressives" and "Liberals" who don't believe in Jesus and want to force everyone to get abortions at their gay weddings. It's clearly the most pressing issue facing the good Christian people of America today. And you can count on our Republican presidential candidates to way in. Guess who said this:

This is the real reason the collectivist Left hates religion: Churches as institutions compete with the state for the people’s allegiance, and many devout people put their faith in God before their faith in the state. Knowing this, the secularists wage an ongoing war against religion, chipping away bit by bit at our nation’s Christian heritage. Christmas itself may soon be a casualty of that war.

Mike Huckabee? Duncan Hunter? Fred Thompson? Rudy? Mitt? Nope. It was none other than the libertarian sensation Ron Paul, who most of his supporters claim is totally the best candidate EVER but in reality is batshit insane. I know because google told me so.

Other candidates, though, are using this War to help shore up their support. Mike Huckabee, for example (who also may be totally insane) recently released an ad where he more or less apologizes to Iowa for all the political ads, and wishes them all a Merry Christmas where they can celebrate Jesus' birth.

So the War on Christmas continues. Huckabee and his companions on the right have a convenient bogeyman to rail against--the eternal evil godless commie/liberal. It's surprising, then, that these prominent conservatives, Bill O'Reilly included, haven't dug deeper to get at the true causes of the War, because may involve another favorite target--Hollywood--and threaten something that the right holds dear--our children. (except when they're poor and need health care, of course)

Now, it's hard to assign this raging war to any one particular cause--in fact, it seems to be the result of a gradual degradation of "traditional American values" and a decrease over several decades of the willingness of Americans to offend people that celebrate the winter solstice, Hanukkah, Kwanzaa or Festivus. This increase in tolerance, then, seems to be part of the problem.

On the other hand, we have a pretty good idea of when this whole decline began. In fact, this timeframe comes from none other than Bill O'Reilly's November 15, 2005 show:

But you know, look, the bottom line on this is 30 years ago in this country, unheard of. We would not be having this conversation.

SMITH: Absolutely right.

O'REILLY: Every store in the United States was going "Merry Christmas," "Happy Holidays" "Happy Hanukkah. We hope everybody is happy.

SMITH: This is my -- this is my...

O'REILLY: I'm getting the last word here. It's my show.

Now there is an anti-Christian bias in this country.

Thirty years before 2005, then, is when this whole thing started. In other words, 1975 was when the evil liberals and secular progressives---including enemies like Representative John Dingell. (click on his name, he's awesome)

1975. Year of Watergate Convictions, Vietnam stuff, Bohemian Rhapsody, Bill marrying Hillary and the death of Francisco Franco (who is still dead). But it was also the year that one of America's most iconic entertainment figures came out and said the following:

I hate Christmas.

There it was. A beloved children's figure coming out and declaring war on Christmas, Christianity and the whole world. But it didn't stop there. Oh no, he went on to say:

Here comes Santa, girls and boys!
So who needs that big red noise?
I’ll tell him where to leave his toys.
I hate Christmas.

Horrible, despicable trash. But it continues:

Beaming faces everywhere.
Happiness is in the air.
I’m telling you, it isn’t fair!
I hate Christmas!

People loaded with good will,
Giving presents. What a thrill!
That slushy nonsense makes me ill.
I hate Christmas!

...

Christmas carols to be sung.
Decorations to be hung.
Oh, yeah? Well, I stick out my tongue!
I hate Christmas!

Christmas bells play loud and strong.
Hurts my ears, all that ding-dong.
Besides, it goes on much too long!
I hate Christmas!

This horrible anti-Christmas message was beamed into homes across America, showing an entire generation of young children that it was ok, and in fact cool, to hate Christmas. It's no wonder that now, when these children have grown up, we are faced with a divided nation.

On top of all this, this horrible horrible propaganda is still dragged out every Christmastime and shown to children around the world. This screed, straight from the trash can of American popular culture, is clearly responsible for the entire War on Christmas that we are now faced with. If Bill O'Reilly and other conservatives really want to win this War, they have to fight the battle at the source: the evil insidious forces that are corrupting our children.

Oscar the Grouch, you've got a lot to answer for.